Issue link: https://maltatoday.uberflip.com/i/1082991
25 maltatoday | SUNDAY • 17 FEBRUARY 2019 OPINION the simple reason that there is a political connection here, too: albeit less immediately obvious. It seems to have escaped most people's attention that one of the lawyers defending the Cospicua suspect is Jason Azzopardi: a Nationalist MP, former minister, and cur- rently shadow minister for the environment. Well, this is what he said in court last week, while wear- ing his other hat as criminal lawyer: "Neither I nor my colleagues have ever met such a case in over 22 years […] It requires particular attention because the occult is involved. This was not a mere hobby, an exorcist had been summoned and had to celebrate Mass in the property. Objects flew, voices in strange languages were heard. The root of the claims is this and this is why there are certain injuries…" Yikes! This is getting scarier and scarier by the minute… though right now, I'm unde- cided which part of it terrifies me more: is it that the man who said all that could be responsible for a key area of government policy tomorrow? Or the fact that the magistrate even allowed such outrageous arguments to be made at all, without holding Jason Azzo- pardi in contempt of court? For starters, just look at the sheer number of positive af- firmations contained in those two sentences alone. 'The occult is involved'. 'Objects flew'. 'Voices in strange languages were heard'. And, most bizarrely of all, that the sum total of those extraordinary, bewildering statements is: 'the root of the claims'… Er… what? The 'root of the claims' is that… 'objects flew'? What objects, anyway? Broomsticks, perhaps? Or bedknobs? And while I'm at it: what century does Jason Azzopardi even think we're in? And please note: I'm not asking on the basis of Azzo- pardi's evident belief in the occult. Oh, no; as far as I'm concerned, he can believe all that nonsense as much as he likes (and that goes for Edwin, too). No, I'm asking because… the charges his client actually faces include rape, indecent assault, holding people against their will, and causing them to slightly injure themselves. Without in any way preju- dicing the case itself, it can be safely said that those are pretty serious charges by any standard. One of them alone could land a man in jail for quite some time. So, as far as I can see, the 'root' of this case is no differ- ent from the root of any other alleged crime: it is the claim that illegal acts were perpe- trated by a human being. That is what the court has to estab- lish in this case: not whether an 'exorcism' ever took place at the suspect's residence… still less reports of 'unidenti- fied flying objects' in the inner harbour area… Yet here we have an experi- enced criminal lawyer (also a veteran politician, viewed by some – I'd wager that includes himself – as a potential future prime minister) arguing in court that this case is 'special', because… there's 'the occult' involved. The hidden hand of the Babaw… I assume, then, that Dr Jason Azzopardi will now have to convince the court that his client is innocent, because: a) the Devil really did come down to Bormla, looking for a few souls to steal… and; b), the Prince of Darkness decided to use his nefarious, Satanic powers… not to start World War Three, or inspire another Holocaust, or any- thing like that. No, just to get a kick out of watching a dirty threesome between a Bormla mother, her daughter, and her daughter's boyfriend… No offence, but suddenly Edwin Vassallo's argument sounds a lot more convincing. Even if the methodology was flawed (apparently, you can't get AIDS or HIV from eating blood-soaked bananas), there is still a certain Satanic logic in trying to start a killer global epidemic. To put it another way: if the Devil really did exist… which initiative would he consider more worth- while? Precipitating a global catastrophe costing millions of lives… or indulging in a little sneaky voyeurism in Cospicua? But wait: we're still at com- pilation of evidence stage. When the trial begins in ear- nest, Dr Azzopardi will have to also convince the court that the Devil achieved his aims by: a) 'speaking in strange languages' (let me guess: he must have got the idea from John Cleese in 'A Fish Called Wanda')… and b), by… um… 'making objects fly'. So that's how you get a young Bormliza to do what- ever you want in the bedroom these days, huh? By 'making objects fly'. Small wonder we keep hearing of so many stories of domestic violence from that particular part of Malta. 'Have sex with me this instant, or I'll throw the TV out of the window…' And there we all were, assuming that there were grave, complex socio-political reasons to account for this phenomenon. Only now do we suddenly discover it's been the work of the Devil all this time… that sneaky little pervert… I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't be making fun of things like this. This is, after all, a serious political prob- lem. People who think like this still occupy prestigious positions, and can still heavily influence national legisla- tion. So who knows? Maybe we did need a couple of good 'Satanizmu scares', to jolt us all out of our complacency… to remind us all that the Devil not only exists, but is alive, and well, and here among us all the time… living for all Eternity in the ever-fertile imagination of superstitious Maltese politicians… Maybe we did need a couple of good 'Satanizmu scares', to jolt us all out of our complacency… to remind us all that the Devil not only exists, but is alive, and well, and here among us all the time… living for all Eternity in the ever-fertile imagination of superstitious Maltese politicians…