Issue link: https://maltatoday.uberflip.com/i/1118959
26 maltatoday | SUNDAY • 19 MAY 2019 OPINION Raphael Vassallo What are they going to promise us next? Immortality? NOW that's what I call an election freebie, folks. None of this namby-pamby 'win a Fiat Panda', or 'a hamper from JB Stores', or a 'dinner for two at Joey's Pizza/Pasta Emporium in Bugibba', etc., bullshit. That's all old hat now. If you want to really grab voters' attention in these fast-moving times, you're go- ing to have to offer something a little more substantial than just the usual 'coffee morn- ing' fare. Like a cure for cancer, for instance. Or the secret of Eternal Life… That's the thing with elec- toral campaigns, you know. It's in their nature to escalate as we get closer to voting day. Traditionally, political parties always save their best electoral promises – or their worst political mud-slinging, depending how you look at things – for the very end. It's a little bit like stand-up comedy… no, wait, let me rephrase that. It's a whole lot like stand-up comedy, now that I think about it. Partly because – like political bill- boards – comedians tend to be at their funniest when they don't mean to be funny at all; and partly also because… well, they don't usually give away their best gags at the start of the show, do they? No: as a rule, they will always start with something 'safe' and 'middle-of-the- road' – if nothing else, just to gauge the audience's reaction – and then progressively un- leash their finest material as they build towards a climax. Usually, it's the same with electoral campaigns. On day one, they'll offer you maybe a free pen-drive or a mobile charger… you know, just to gauge how easily your vote can be bought later… but if you hold out till the eve of the election, they'll eventually drive you to the nearest home refurbishing store, and simply invite you to take your pick of domestic appliances and white goods. (Come to think of it, I still have a whole room stuffed full of Indesit washing machines and Zanussi fridge- freezers – or 'fridge-freebies', as we used to call them – left over from the summer of '98… one for every house visit, in fact…) But where was I? Oh yes, elections campaigns. Well, just look at the one that's go- ing on right now. With more than a week still to go before the election, the PN has just topped every electoral prom- ise ever made (not just here in Malta, but everywhere in the democratic world). 'Vote for us… and together, we'll beat cancer'. Yikes! I mean, if that's their mid-to-late campaign pitch… what the hell are they going to come up with on election eve, that could possibly up that ante? "Vote PN, and together we'll… um… reverse the ageing process? Make mortality history? End all wars, famine, disease and death? Bring all your dearly departed back from the grave…?" I don't know, but it's go- ing to have to be something pretty darn miraculous, not to come across as an anti-cli- max after that last electoral promise. A cure for cancer, no less. Something tells me that no amount of 'fridge- freebies' is going to do the trick. Not even a permanent exemption from income tax would come close. Nor a 'word with the PA' about that dodgy permit application... nor a free parking space right outside your front-door… and no, not a cushy job in the Civil Service for that unem- ployable son-of-a-friend-of-a- relative of yours, either… Forget it. The bar has now been firmly raised. All the old ways of buying an election are clearly out of the window. Henceforth, political par- ties are going to have to be a little more… creative than they've ever been before. I now expect that, in no time at all, they'll be finding cures for everything from dysentery, to AIDS/HIV, to Hepatitis A, B, C, D (and sometimes E); the Ebola virus; and heck, maybe even chicken-pox, while they're at it… thus also putting an end to all this 'anti-vaxxer' nonsense once and for all. Naturally, this is all won- derful news. And it couldn't have come at a more oppor- tune moment, too. I myself am reaching that age when 'cancer' is no longer some- thing you just read about in the newspapers… or which only ever happens to other