Issue link: https://maltatoday.uberflip.com/i/1489031
maltatoday | SUNDAY • 25 DECEMBER 2022 OPINION 11 there was more than just 'a spell of unusually warm weath- er', behind my failure to pick up on all those tell-tale Christ- massy signs this week. In fact: only now do I understand that the real reason for all this ma- laise is that… … we have all forgotten 'the true meaning of Christmas', that's all. But, never fear! Just as I start- ed 2022 with a resolution to 'al- ways look on the bright side of life': all that remains is for me to actually get out there, find out where this missing 'Christ- mas spirit' may be skulking… and drag it back here, kicking and screaming, once and for all. And what better place to start looking, than in everyone's fa- vourite Christmas movies? So without further ado: here are two quick recommendations for this year's Festive Season, which – you never know – may actually restore your 'lost Christmas feeling', too. Here goes: 1) Home A-Loan (A must-see, for every family that can still afford a TV set…) Accidentally left to his own devices, when his Prime Minis- ter took the rest of his govern- ment on a boat-trip to Sicily, young Finance Minister Clyde McCaruana must somehow defend his home country from an incoming wave of inflation, whilst also maintaining (entire- ly unrealistic) projections of 'permanent economic growth, at all costs'. His solution? Easy! We'll just grow the population, by creat- ing a never-ending stream of jobs, for an equally never-end- ing stream of economic mi- grants, from all the over world! (I mean: what on earth could possibly go wrong?) In true 'fairy-tale' fashion, this hare-brained scheme actually works for a while. The economy keeps growing… and growing… and GROWING… until the sudden demand for housing, to accommodate the additional 200,000-or-so people who now live in Malta, has the dual ef- fect of both sky-rocketing the price of property (until no one can actually afford to take out a home-loan anymore); and also, encouraging a mad scramble for development, that wrecks what little actually remains of the country, to begin with. Ah, but what kind of Christ- mas Movie would it be, without a happy, morally-appropriate ending? So McCaruana ingen- iously sidesteps the problem, by simply showering the pop- ulation with 'freebies': cheques of E100 at election time; subsi- dised fuel and electricity; free public transport; free wifi; free laptops; free this; free that; free the other… Until, by the end of the film, people are so very 'grateful' for all this generosity, that they somehow fail to even notice that they themselves have been kicked out of their homes, and onto the streets, in the mean- time… [Moral of the story: "It doesn't matter how bleak the long- term outlook may appear… just like at Christmas, people can always be persuaded that everything is 'fine and dandy', by means of a well-timed gift."] 2) 'Randolph the Buck- Toothed Pufta (Jaqq!)' (Also starring 'Rebecca the Turncoat Whore', and 'Cyrus Il-Pufta L-Iehor') A firm favourite with young- er children, on account of its (often VERY) 'immature lan- guage', this (often VERY) 'an- imated classic' tells the tale of Randolph De Battista: one of around 40 pack-animals – I mean, 'Parliamentarians' – who are entrusted to lead the open sleigh of Government, through the volatile minefield of Maltese politics. Being one of the younger MPs - and possessed, as he is, of a rather prominent set of pearly-white incisors (sorry, Randolph, but… that part's true, you know) – our hero was probably used to being bullied from an early age. But not even years of experience could pos- sibly have prepared him for the shock, of receiving an anon- ymous letter (in Christmas week, too!) describing him as… "a freak of nature"; a "PUF- TA! (Jaqq!)"; and "ugly", too… with "teeth like Bugs Bunny!" (I mean: don't hold back, or any- thing…) … only to end on the ominous note that 'the wheel turns'; and that Randolph – just like that other 'pufta', Cyrus – will one day be 'called into account!' Yikes! You can see why kids just love this one already, can't you? But wait, it gets better. For just like Rudolph the Red- Nosed Reindeer overcame all those childish taunts about his 'facial imperfection'… only to use that same imperfection, to shine everyone's way through a storm… so too, does Randolph Debattista use those shiny 'Bugs Bunny' teeth of his, to flash a sardonic smile back at his detractors. Neither threats nor intimida- tion, he said, "will stop me or Cyrus Engerer (and Rebecca Buttigieg, too) from working for what we believe in!" [Moral of the story: "There are worse things to be, in life, than a 'pufta with teeth like Bugs Bunny'. You could al- so be one of those homopho- bic, misogynistic, demented, and quite possibly homicidal ASSHOLES, who wrote that anonymous letter in the first place…"] There: you couldn't possibly ask for a mushier, and more sentimental, ending to a Christ- mas Movie than THAT… can you now? Surely, I cannot be the only person in the entire Universe, who actually regards 'Christmas' as the clean opposite of a 'relaxing, care-free holiday season'… and unlike most of the others: I don't even have any children of my own, to add to the anxiety!