Issue link: https://maltatoday.uberflip.com/i/1507380
OH, the injustice of it all! So there you all are: slaving away at your boring, soulless '9-5 desk-job'; always paying your taxes on time, like all dutiful, obedient citizens should... and above all: never, EVER taking so much as even a single cen- time, more than you are owed, from the national exchequer. Ah, but what do you get, as reward for all those long years of hard, honest, civic-minded, labour? Why... you get SHAFTED, of course! (Like, let's face it, the naive moron you've always been.) One fine day, you wake up to discover that – all this while – pretty much everyone else, in the entire country, has had their grubby paws in the national coffers, all the way up to their elbows. Among other things, by claiming social benefits for 'disabilities', that they didn't really suffer from... ... and that's when it finally hits you. That's when you belated- ly realise that: "HANG ON A MINUTE, HERE! Do you mean to tell me that – instead of scraping out a meagre 'life of quiet desperation', all these long years – I, too, could have been rolling in the lap of luxu- ry... just by pretending to be... DISABLED?!?" I mean... Holy Crap! How difficult can that even be, any- way? Especially when you con- sider that, nowadays, almost any form of psychological dis- order, or infirmity, can be clas- sified as a 'disability', of sorts. And this also means that... you don't even need to go to the lengths of actually 'inca- pacitating' yourself, in order to qualify! So, unlike the case with con- scripted soldiers, for instance: who are sometimes desper- ate enough to actually shoot off their own toes (or slice off their own fingers, while peel- ing an avocado), to avoid fight- ing in wars... ... none of that 'self-harm' stuff even applies, anymore! All you really need to do, to be- come instantly 'eligible' to any- where up to €4,000 a month, in underhand allowances, is... ... well, just 'act like a RE- TARD', that's all! (Which, in nine cases out of 10, means 'just act natural,' anyway...) But hold on, folks! Before you all go rushing off to the near- est government MP, for help with forging any signatures, on all the medical documents you will now need to confirm your new-found, overnight 'disabil- ity'... ... there are a few pitfalls you should be aware of. For start- ers: while it is a lot easier to fake psychological disabilities, than physical ones – you will still need some form of offi- cial 'justification', for your fake mental condition. Simply put: it's not enough to just write 'I AM A NUTCASE!' on your application form, and simply stop there (no, not even if you get it signed by a fake MAM President). As a rule, you are also expect- ed to list down a specific med- ical condition... some of which may be harder to mimic, than others. For instance: claiming to be psychopathic serial killer (with a specific penchant for 'hu- man liver, with fava beans and a nice Chianti)' is not likely to work, either. Unless, of course, you can prove that you real- ly ARE a homicidal maniac, with cannibalistic tendencies... in which case: what the heck? You'd be eligible for those ben- efits, anyway! (Just like all gen- uine 'nut-cases' are, to begin with), No, no: it would be far safer to stick with those psychological conditions, whose symptoms are a) less dangerous, and; b) somewhat easier to imitate. So without further ado: here is at least one, tried-and-test- ed, surefire way, in which you – yes, YOU! – can also suc- cessfully deceive the Medical Authorities into believing that you genuinely suffer from a permanent, psychological dis- ability... (and more important- ly: claim an additional E4k a month in disability benefits, forever!) All this, and more, could be yours... by simply pretending to be: A Man Utd Supporter! That's right, folks: according to the British Institute of Psy- chiatry, 'supporting the Man- chester United football team' is now officially recognised as a common (but debilitating) form of psychotic delusion, in itself. Symptoms include prolonged bouts of clinical depression – brought about by their favour- ite team's apparent 'disability' to ever win even so much as a single game, anymore – as well as a form of psychosis that enables them to actually feel 'pride', in all the victories that the once-glorious 'Red Devils' had achieved... many, many, MANY decades, before they themselves were actually born. Lastly, 'Man Utd fever' is also associated with the conspic- uous absence of anything re- sembling a 'sense of humour'; and, of couse, the permanent 'disability' to take a joke. So there you have it, folks! Just wear a Man Utd T-shirt; put on your most despondent, mournful, and utterly incon- solable 'funeral expression', and... that's it! You're made for life... Compiled by Raphael Vassallo 12 maltatoday | SUNDAY • 10 SEPTEMBER 2023 Who 'benefits' from fraud? Everyone! JUST SAYING