Issue link: https://maltatoday.uberflip.com/i/232206
20 Opinion maltatoday, SUNDAY, 22 DECEMBER 2013 Still stuck for a NYE bash? I don't normally use this space for subliminal advertising, but sometimes – as a certain magistrate will no doubt confirm – you have to bend the rules. So for all of my readers who may be in that typical mid-December quandary of having left it too late to book a venue for their New Year's Eve party, or who don't want to spend €160 to wade kneedeep into an ocean of vomit and broken glass... look no further. A great new classy place has just come onto the scene (well, apparently it's been there for a while, but nobody ever noticed). You might want to check it out. It's called the Maltese Courts of Justice: and I think you'll agree the name alone has a certain panache. Just the sort of place for a right royal piss-up, I'd say. And centrally located, too. Slap bang in the middle of Republic Street, Raphael Vassallo in the City Built By Gentlemen for Gentleman's Clubs. Parking is admittedly a bit of a pain in the rear bumper, but free transport to and from the Police Headquarters in Floriana, and/ or the Corradino Recreational Facility in Paola, can always be provided in the comfort of a police security van, complete with personal motorbike escort. Once you get there, you will see that the venue itself was simply designed for entertainment. It is neatly divided into courtrooms of various shapes and sizes: from Awla 1 for the grand ball with gala dinner, all the way down to the Advocates' Chambers for the smaller, more intimate gatherings. At every corner there is a television monitor showing hilarious artistic installations (such as the court timetable, which always tells you that your session was supposed to start nine hours earlier). And there is literally no limit to the amount of clowns the place can accommodate... most of them already in togas. Great place for magic shows, too. Why, at a recent courtroom party a judge managed to make an entire civil right disappear... when he ruled that a sex change operation that was enough to reassign the gender on someone's ID card, was not enough for the same person to get married to a partner of the opposite sex. Honestly. Who is David Copperfield? And if it's music that worries you... worry not. Unlike most venues, the Maltese Courts of Justice has its own PA (Partying Attorneys) system, so you're guaranteed raucous tunes at top volume. Besides, most DJs are in and out of court half the time anyway: you could always get DJ Banana to spin the decks while awaiting trial for assault of a warden (Hey, parties get out of hand sometimes. What can you do?). If not, the place even has its own inhouse band: the Stenographonics. You can boogie late into the night to the rhythm of the clicks, and the random shouts of 'Farrugia Joseph, Farrugia Joseph, Abela Joe, Abela Joe' echoing in the corridors (it will one day be a huge hit on dancefloors worldwide, I promise you). Once you get there, you'll see that the venue is perfect for parties... and there's ample space for clowns: most of them already in togas As for adult entertainment, pole dancers are certainly not an uncommon sight in the Maltese Courts of Justice. Remember when around 27 of them were arraigned in a single session, after the police busted one of the first gentlemen's clubs a few years ago? As I recall they were rushed to court straight from the depot without even being allowed a change of clothing... so that the magistrate could 'see them for what they really are'. I am sure they inspected them very closely indeed. Apparently some of them were still in bondage gear at the time (or so many male lawyers will tell you after a few drinks, often with a dreamy look in their eye). Well, they're already in costume, aren't they? So why not put their talents and skills to good use while they're lounging about doing nothing? But courtrooms are pretty cool places to throw a party for other reasons, too. Security? It's already there. Police permit? No need: the police are on the guest list. And you don't even have to worry about gatecrashers. They get