Issue link: https://maltatoday.uberflip.com/i/333851
maltatoday, SUNDAY, 22 JUNE 2014 Opinion 18 I n all this talk of the benefits of legalising marijuana, no one has mentioned the most obvious advantage of all – countries which legalise pot also get to beat England in the World Cup. Oh, make no mistake. We all know how Uruguay – the latest in a series of countries to have legalised marijuana for recreational use - managed to put two past an otherwise competent England side last Thursday. Never mind training, tactics, psychological preparation, the ability to actually play football, or anything as outlandish as that. It was all down to that big fattie Luis Suarez sparked up with President Joe Mujica in the changing room right before kick-off. Yes indeed. Pre-match statistics amply confirm that Uruguay registered a 100% accuracy rate in passing that spliff around the entire team – narrowly beating the record previously held by Italy's Andre Pirlo (who turns out to have bogarted the joint at least 7% of the time). England, on the other hand, often played as though 'possession' were still illegal. You could almost feel the sudden moment of panic nearly every time an English player touched the ball. "Oh-my-god-I'm- gonna-get-busted… get rid of it, NOW!" So honestly, how on earth could things have turned out any different? In the end it was Uruguay 2, England 1… and Rooney's goal can itself be put down to accidentally inhaling too close to Suarez as they walked out onto the pitch. All things told, it could just as easily be the final score of the War on Drugs. And this, of course, changes the ballgame entirely. I now expect a mad global scramble for legalisation just in time for the quarter-finals. First on the list should be none other than the UK itself (who should ideally get their drug laws in order before the last qualifying encounter with Costa Rica next week). Not only would the players benefit from the same winning formula that worked so well in the case of Uruguay; but if England supporters were permitted to legally get high before every game, they might not actually notice that their favourite team is... um… kind of crap, really. And let's face it, this can only greatly enhance the allure of the beautiful (but oh! so goddamn frustrating) game for all concerned. So instead of wasting precious time and energy on such trivialities as the possible imminent breakup of the Union itself – or whether Claude Juncker gets to mess up the European Commission in the same way as he messed up the eurozone – what Prime Minister David Cameron really should do is go back to basics and concentrate on things that his countrymen (and many more people beside) actually care about. Like winning effing football games, for instance. Perhaps one of his advisors could roll him a few ideas… Still, I know what you're probably thinking. Hang on a sec: there's no real logical correlation between Suarez's spectacular brace against England last Thursday, and the fact that his country is one of only a handful of jurisdictions in the world to have legalised marijuana. That's just a coincidence… as is the fact that those same jurisdictions also include one or two US states: and oh look! The USA has just beaten Ghana, where marijuana possession is a crime punishable by a minimum of 10 years' imprisonment... And if the same Luis Suarez couldn't stop giggling and getting all lovey-dovey with his team- mates on the bench after being substituted following a brief experience of the whiteys on the field… well, that doesn't mean anything in itself. What might be clear evidence of the effects of delta9-tetrahydrocannabinol to you or me, could in reality be nothing more than a simple display of typically exuberant South American temperament. But in any case… since when, exactly, do arguments about the legal status of cannabis have to actually make sense? Since when has logic, consistency, or a clear unbroken process of sequential, rational thought ever been even remotely connected with the local debate about… horror of horrors… DROGI? Since around never, I would say. Let's stick with the marijuana example for the time being. Malta has for some time now been ruminating over whether to decriminalise this substance – not legalise it, like Uruguay did, but at least relax its current 'zero tolerance' (and zero effect) policy for cannabis - which has meanwhile been confirmed to have considerable medical uses outside its better known effects of providing a recreational high. The Justice Reform Commission has strongly hinted that some form of decriminalisation may be in the offing; Sedqa (the national drug agency) has recommended at least discussing the idea; and the government has indicated that it is actively considering these suggestions. Considering that we have never actually qualified for the World Cup finals at all – and that our past efforts in that direction have occasionally resulted in such clearly narcotic score-lines as 12-1 to Spain in 1982 – I think we can all safely agree that this would be a sound investment in the future of Maltese sport. There are of course additional benefits, including the small matter of a justice system that actually metes out justice, instead of eternally compounding situations that are themselves manifestly unjust. Decriminalising cannabis would, in brief, be the sensimil… I mean, sensible thing to do. But of course, cannabis and common sense make spectacularly awkward bedfellows in this dear land of ours. And there are still some spoilsports (literally) who would happily condemn Raphael Vassallo Cannabis and common sense? That'll be the day… It was all down to that big fattie Luis Suarez