Issue link: https://maltatoday.uberflip.com/i/630594
25 maltatoday, SUNDAY, 24 JANUARY 2016 Opinion it 365 and three quarters (which sounds reasonable, considering there's bound to be one under construction somewhere). But that doesn't include roadside chapels, private chapels, chapels housed in schools, hospitals, homes for the elderly, etc. And it certainly doesn't include the village streets and squares that also double up as venues for religious festivities: processions, band marches, fireworks displays, the lot. Now: how many church-going Catholics are there in Malta? Again, there is no clear-cut answer. Foreign newspapers tend to talk of a "90% Catholic population" – but that's only a ref lection of how many people were baptised in the Catholic faith. The "90%" also includes lapsed Catholics, and – ironically – Catholics who have converted to Islam. Even at face value, the figure may have to be revised: it dates back to a time before some 35,000 residency permits were issued to foreigners, many of them Muslim, by Identity Malta. The Church itself estimates that only 51% of the 90% actually attend Mass on Sundays; and here, too, the rate seems to be declining by roughly 1% a year. Using the patriots' logic, "365 and three-quarters" suddenly seems an awful lot of churches. How many people can each take at maximum capacity? I've been to weddings and funeral services attended by over 1,000. Effectively, you could fit the entire population of Malta in the sum total of its churches; with plenty of chapels and other facilities to accommodate the spill-over. That's at least twice as much worship space as we actually need. So, sticking to the patriots' logic, roughly half Malta's churches should theoretically have to be demolished. If Muslims must limit themselves only to the precise space that can accommodate their numbers… why should it be any different for Catholics? What's sauce for the hog must surely be sauce for the gammon... But in any case: it would perhaps have been too much to expect both a logical argument and also very tasty mid-afternoon snack from the same source. Besides: the 'Great Pork Sandwich Intifada' we all witnessed in Msida this week – when the patriotic crowd rose to its feet, and cried: "VIVA MALTA! Do you want mustard or ketchup with your kebab?", etc. – was not exactly the first time a popular protest was expressed through the unique iconography of sausage rolls and 'bziezen bil-perzut'. Back in the days when the Portomaso Hilton project was still under construction (around mid-1990s), a group of intrepid environmentalists – including, as I recall, the late Julian Manduca – had staged a hunger strike outside Castille. Hilton employees responded by pelting them with ham and tuna rolls, bought for that purpose from the Gabbana by City Gate: "Here, hungry? Have a bite of this…" So thoughtful and self less of them, I remember thinking at the time. Worrying about the malnutrition of their adversaries, while their own employment may have been hanging in the balance… Nor was that the only example. The famous uprising of June 7, 1919… which some historians liken to our own version of the storming of the Bastille… was likewise related (literally) to bread-and-butter issues. Yes, yes, there may indeed have been a seminal meeting of the Maltese National Assembly going on in the background, and the event itself may have paved the way to self-government in 1921… but scratch beneath the surface, and what do you find? Sandwiches, yet again. By 1919, the cost of importing f lour – and hence, making bread – had skyrocketed in line with increasing naval insurance premiums, largely owing to unexploded mines after World War I. A single loaf of bread had trebled in price that year alone… and the Colonial government refused to introduce a bread subsidy. Can you imagine the effect of all this on the price of an ordinary pork breadroll? No wonder the Maltese would revolt in an attempt to overthrow their Colonial rulers, and even get themselves killed in the process. They had been left with literally nothing to throw at each other... So make no mistake. For better or worse, our identity as a Maltese nation is inextricably linked with bread and ham. It's only a matter of time before someone suggests replacing the George Cross on the f lag with a pair of intersecting pork delhis; and while we're at it, we can always the change the first line of our national anthem to: "Lil Dil-Majjalata". Not only does it scan perfectly, but – unlike the original – it is also demonstrably true. Right, that's it. Now I'm off to Msida to stock up on pork for the winter, before the Malta Patriotic Free Subway Diner closes… But it takes a certain flair, I must admit, to organise a barbecue where other countries might take to the streets armed with scythes and pitchforks, and maybe set fire to a few police cars here and there. Our methods of national insurgency are so much more… civilised PHOTOGRAPHY BY CHRIS MANGION