Issue link: https://maltatoday.uberflip.com/i/652704
25 maltatoday, SUNDAY, 13 MARCH 2016 Opinion There. I haven't even started, and already I've won something. OK, the next logical step would be to change job to something more... electable. Statistically speaking, the legal profession is the likeliest BY FAR to land me in Parliament. Small snag, though… it takes seven years to qualify as a practising lawyer (and another seven at least to raise the millions needed for the campaign). Hmm. How do we get round this one, I wonder? I know! The American University of Jordan! Apparently, all it takes to get your degree recognised is the promise of a few measly hundred square metres of pristine land outside the development zone: which can all very easily be arranged once elected. And hey presto! It's DOCTOR Aaron Abdilla Abela Agius Ancilleri, thank you very much. I didn't send that email to be called 'Mister', you know. Now for the question of funding. This one's trickier. By my count I'd need a minimum of three million: one million for the billboards and advertising, one million to run the campaign office on a day-to-day basis, and another million for the traditional consignment of fridge-freezers, washing machines and other household appliances with which to buy votes in the last week of the campaign. Judging by how other parties do it, I'd say the quickest way would be to bribe a Third World dictator. Sadly, I've left it too late to cosy up to Gaddafi (as all Maltese Prime Ministers have done, from Mintoff to Gonzi)… and Kim Il Sung has his hands full trying to bring about World War Three. My list of allies is growing thin… Hang on… of course! Why didn't I think of it before? Donald Trump! Oh, never mind that he isn't exactly a dictator, and America isn't exactly 'Third World'. Both those things will most likely have happened by the end of this year, and that's what counts. In fact, I'd better give him a ring right away. "Donald? Hi, it's me, Aaron Abdilla Abela Agius Ancilleri, your biggest fan. Of all the incredibly idiotic things you've said and done over the past year, the one that impressed me the most was the proposal to build a wall separating Mexico from the United States. Now, that is precisely the sort of idiocy the whole world needs right now… especially Malta. So here's what I propose: together, you and I will build a wall… not just between two countries… but between two CONTINENTS. That's right, Donald. A brick wall right across the Mediterranean Sea, to stop the f low of African migrants into Europe (and hence, to America). What d'you say?" I knew he'd like the idea. Especially when I added that the wall would need to be patrolled from end to end, and that we'd be perfectly happy to let the American armed forces invade the Mediterranean in order to take over security operations. In any case, Donald's already in with $300 million… of which, naturally, I get 10%. By my count that's $30 million. Heck, I could just buy both parties, assets, liabilities and all, and not even bother contesting at all. But then again… what sort of fun would that be? No, no. We're in this for the long haul. And the next step, naturally, would be to hide those $30 million. This shouldn't be too difficult, considering how so many of our Cabinet ministers have managed to do that in the past… with only three or four ever getting caught. Obviously, I'd have to avoid all the usual suspects that the others got busted for. That's Switzerland, British Virgin Islands and Panama immediately struck off the list. All that remains is to find another suitable jurisdiction with a similarly opaque financial system… ideally, somewhere small and inconspicuous, where dozens of dodgy companies have already set up shop to launder dirty overseas money… also, somewhere where the fiscal authorities are sufficiently castrated so as to somehow only ever pick on the low income earner, while overlooking hundreds of millions in invisible cash right under their noses. Above all, it has to be a place of near-zero accountability; where ministers aren't even required to make compulsory declarations of their earnings to Parliament. A place where politically exposed people can always get away with it when caught, simply by saying the magic words: "I did nothing wrong". Let's see now… what sort of country would fit that description? It sounds a lot like… …Malta. Ooh, what an utterly, deliciously, malevolently ingenious idea! Yes, that'll do very nicely indeed. Nobody would suspect that I've hidden $30 million in the last place they'd ever even dream of looking. And the best part of it is that I don't even have to leave my home. In fact, I can just hide the money under this tile, right here… OK folks! Looks like everything is in place for my unelection campaign to begin in earnest. Oh wait… I forgot. My campaign slogan. Can't go to an unelection without a campaign slogan, now can we…? So how about… "Let's make Malta hate again"? Yup, that'll work… But the ongoing 'unelection campaign'? That is no fictitious creation within an established literary tradition. It is just madness for its own sake… The two parties no longer represent anything outside of themselves; their only concern is their own survival, and to maximise their own grip on power sepAration of organic waste TOWARDS A BETTER ENVIRONMENT MONDAY - WEDNESDAY - FRIDAY For more information contact us on: Freephone: 8007 2200 info.ws@wasteservmalta.com www.wasteservmalta.com/organic BIRKIRKARA I BORMLA I ĦAL GĦAXAQ ĦAL KIRKOP I MARSAXLOKK I MDINA MĠARR I TA' XBIEX I SWIEQI