Issue link: https://maltatoday.uberflip.com/i/682623
maltatoday, SUNDAY, 22 MAY 2016 24 Opinion N ow, THAT would have been the perfect title for Malta's entry to this year's Eurovision Song Contest. Not only is it a natural refrain in its own right – sung by virtually anyone who's ever been asked how much of other people's money he or she might have pocketed or spent – but it is also intensely relevant to both Malta's current political situation, and the state of the Eurovision Song Contest itself. For in case no one's ever noticed, both those considerations are pivotal… if the intention behind our annual participation in this contest is to actually win the damn thing one day. But then again, I am beginning to doubt if that is really the intention. We certainly haven't tried very hard over the years, have we? In fact, we seem to have done the clean opposite: doggedly choosing only the most pointless and meaningless of apolitical songs, to represent Malta in a competition that has only ever been won by hugely political entries. Naturally, I won't be drawn into a debate about whether Ukraine's song was indeed an accurate ref lection of what happened in the Crimean peninsula last year; the point is that her song made a political statement that clearly resonates with the EU-approved international sentiment of the moment. It was written with the specific intention of pissing off a certain Putin, Vladimir... and anything that pisses off Putin is automatically music to Europe's ears. Simple as that, really. And the same could be said for pretty much every winning Eurovision entry ever… going all the way back to 1973, when Swedish legends-to-be Abba won the damn thing with 'Waterloo'. I mean, 'Waterloo', for crying out loud. The battle, not the station. If that's not a political statement, I don't know what is: even as the European Economic Community consolidated (roughly) into the 'European Union' we know today, Sweden won with an anthem about the one man in history who might actually have succeeded in uniting Europe into a federal whole… Just compare that to every song Malta has ever entered to the same contest. No offence to Ira or anything (God knows she put up with enough of that over the last week or so…) but, 'I can't get enough of your love'? 'I feel like I'm walking on water'? I mean… who cares? And that, lest we forget, wasn't even the song Malta actually voted for. The one we had all agreed upon, as I recall, was about an old world lizard species characterised by zygodactyl feet, a prehensile tail, and the ability to rotate its eyeballs independently in each socket. Oh, yes, and it changes colour, too. Which, I suppose, could be interpreted as a metaphor for certain politicians I can think of… But still: aptly enough, we changed the song, and with it the colour of our entire participation. I guess 'Chameleon' just wasn't bland, obscure and pointless enough… we needed to come up with something of even less relevance to European reality today. So a small word of advice ahead of next year's Eurovision Song Contest. Basing myself on the experience of winning countries in the past, I would say there are two basic ways to secure victory once and for all. The first (and most obvious) is to get ourselves invaded or annexed by another country. It worked for Ukraine; no reason it shouldn't work just as well for us, too. The good news is that there is still plenty of time to arrange it all… and we do need plenty of time, because apart from persuading an amenable hostile country to declare war on us – no easy task, when you don't actually possess any natural resources worth stealing – you also have to write a song about the experience afterwards. And writing songs is long and laborious work, let me tell you. Just look at 'Walk on Water': it might be just one line of lyrics repeated on an endless loop… but it was still officially written by about 16 people, comprising some 12 different nationalities in all. The bad news, however, is that getting one's country invaded normally involves a certain amount of death, destruction and general unpleasantness all round. And seeing as how it is always the same old handful of people who compete for Raphael Vassallo 'None of your business'