Issue link: https://maltatoday.uberflip.com/i/1065920
25 maltatoday | SUNDAY • 23 DECEMBER 2018 OPINION and internal deliberations; and the ability to swiftly and suddenly resign without fore- warning, when your responsi- bility entails having to actu- ally investigate a government minister on criminal grounds. Clearly, that sort of person doesn't grow on trees. So a priori, we can discount any 'public competition' that involves random selection pro- cesses. No lotteries or raffles, for instance. And no 'spin the bottle', either… I was almost about to give up in despair, when suddenly it hit me. Why do not do what everyone else is doing any- way… and just cash in on the Council of Europe's brain- wave? And what's the most successful cash-in programme in Malta right now (confirmed by Broadcasting Authority statistics this week)? The X-Factor, naturally. After all, why limit ourselves to a 'public competition', when you can also make a whole 'international multi-billion franchise' out of it, too (while also 'strengthening democracy' in the process, blah blah?). It would start with the audi- tions stage. Prospective wan- nabe 'Malta Police Commis- sioners' would have to undergo live, televised grillings by a panel of celebrity judges com- posed of former high-ranking police veterans: a sort of 'good, bad cop' routine… so we can all have our favourite judges as well as contestants. As per the rules of the competition, each contestant would have to also provide a reasonably plausible, personal sob-story… to both maximise their own chances and boost's the show's popularity among the 'South American Tel- enovela' viewer-bracket. You know… like when Lawrence Cutajar visited Simon Schem- bri in hospital, and then said he "cried in silence afterwards, but his words gave me the courage I needed to continue my work…" Now that's the sort of stuff today's television public want to see. That's what will get those ratings up and away, past Xarabank, and into the great infinity beyond. For this is no longer just about select- ing someone to ensure the smooth running of operations at the Malta Police Force, or anything of the sort. Oh, no. This is show-biz. We don't just want to 'appoint' Police Com- missioners. We want to get under their skin; to discover what makes them tick as hu- man beings. What football teams do they support? Are they as grumpy as everyone else before their first morning coffee? Do they prefer their traditional Maltese rabbit stewed or fried? With chips or mashed potatoes…? As for minor, secondary issues – such as, say, whether they can identify and arrest three suspects of a brutal murder within less than four months – well, let's not get lost in trivialities. Going only on the Council of Europe's rationale, it is the openness and transparency of the ap- pointment that matters… not the results. And there is no selection process in the world more 'open' and 'transparent' than a televised, public entertain- ment variety show viewed by millions worldwide, is there? So without further ado – for time is money, folks… and it's just zooming right past us, faster than we can all rake it in – it's time to play the music, light the lights, and get things started on the international, most theatrical, quite fantasti- cal, hardly practical… this is what we call the…. 'Malta Police Commissioner- for-Europe Show'. Televoting lines are now… open.