Issue link: https://maltatoday.uberflip.com/i/1544097
It comes unexpectedly that day when the roles are reversed and you find yourself the adult and it is your parent/s who need to be taken care of in the same way they took care of you as a child. The circle of life of- ten creeps up on you without warning, leaving you reeling not only at the realisation of their inevitable mortality but of yours as well. One day your parents are still fully independent, speaking to you on the phone on everyday matters and still part of society, and the next, something hap- pens, a fall, an illness or a de- bilitating health condition and the person they were before no longer exists. They are still here but they are only a shad- ow of their former self, as they lose their independence, their agency, sometimes even their dignity and if they do not have protection their sudden vul- nerability may open them up to potential abuse and neglect. There is a whole demograph- ic of aging parents who are either being taken care of by professional live-in carers in their own home, or who are in a care home. As lifestyles have changed, the scenarios where adult children have given up their life to take care of their own parents are becoming less and less common. However, whatever assisted living meas- ures are put in place, the care home or the carer are simply there to ensure the elderly per- son is being helped for their basic needs, keeping them clean, safe and well-fed. What institutions and hired help can- not (and should not) do is re- place the family relationship. In an ideal world, it should not be a matter of washing one's hands and saying OK, problem solved, someone else is doing it all now. In reality, though, this is what is happening all too fre- quently. In all the literature I have read on this topic, it is evident that this is a universal problem be- ing felt all around the world, except in those cultures where multi-generational households are still very common. In places like Canada, the US and the UK which have large immigrant communities, it is immigrant families which have continued this tradition. Ironically, we are also seeing it here, as many re- tired expats with long term res- idence (and even EU nationals and TCNs working here long term) are bringing their parents to Malta to live with them. In- viting one's parents and grand- parents to live with the family for as long as possible is still considered the right thing to do because the idea of "dump- ing" them in a nursing home is unheard of and frankly con- sidered quite shocking and un- natural. It has also been shown that by continuing to live with- in the community, an elderly person who is still relatively mobile and independent can live out their golden years in the best way possible for their mental and emotional wellbe- ing. Obviously, when the med- ical needs of the aging parent become too demanding for at- home care, the decision to ad- mit them to a care home must be taken for their own good. Still, I can't help but wonder what all the Indian, Philippine and Nepalese carers must think of us to see rows and rows of 80- and 90-year-olds lined up in their institutionalised beds, living the rest of their lives be- ing taken care of by strangers. Through personal experience, I can vouch for the fact that a good, professional live-in car- er can help navigate the best of both worlds—you have the guarantee that your elderly parent is being properly super- vised and cared for at all times, while they are at peace and content to be in their familiar surroundings in the home they have lived in for decades. It can be a very bumpy ride until they accept someone living in their home, but the initial resistance can be overcome with loads of patience. Visiting one's parents regularly keeps them reassured that they have not been dis- carded and forgotten, which is what they fear the most. There are other global sim- ilarities which seem to cut across most nationalities such as the fact that in the majori- ty of cases it is the daughter which ends up being the car- egiver, especially when it is the mother who needs to be cared for. In many cases, even when there are several siblings, the onus of responsibility always seems to fall on just one of the adult children, while the others find it convenient to abdicate any responsibility. But the challenges of an ag- ing parent do not stop at their health and welfare. Once those hurdles are overcome, there come the other issues which no one prepares you for, especial- ly if the parent has never put any measures in place to cov- er specific circumstance where they are no longer able to make their own decisions or cannot physically visit certain entities, such as the bank, in person. Everyone I speak to with el- derly parents is experiencing similar situations, where they have suddenly been thrust in- to a position where they have to take important decisions, and agonising over whether they are doing the right thing because it was never spoken about. Granted, it is a diffi- cult conversation to have, but anyone with elderly parents needs to gingerly broach the subject of 'what if?', because the alternative is a quagmire of decision-making which will fall on the shoulders of their chil- dren. Knowing what your par- ents want is crucial so that you can carry out and respect their wishes. Obviously, the crux of the matter is that the parents must also come to terms with the fact that they will one day relinquish control, which is not an easy thing to accept at the best of times; it is even more upsetting as one gets older, be- cause the implications of that prospect are grim for anyone to contemplate. However, putting one's affairs in order and hav- ing everything in place "just in case something happens" can alleviate the stress of potential emergency situations which hit you like a bolt from the blue. We need to put ourselves in their shoes and think how would we feel if we were no longer able to verbalise and articulate our wishes, or if our memory is slipping away from us so that we cannot remember what we did an hour ago? This is the reality which many peo- ple are witnessing up close with their parents and which cannot be ignored. There are health- care decisions which need to be discussed, but also the delicate topic of the administration of finances where legal structures have to be put into place either through a power of attorney before a person falls ill, or a guardianship order. It is also an ugly truth that the prospect of a potential windfall does bring out the worst in some people which is why the elderly need protection from those seeking to abuse of their vulnerable state. What I have noticed from people who know what it means to care for an elderly parent is that they take a hard look at their own lives and realise that they need to be better prepared for their own sake and that of their children, if they have any. It is at this point that many go to a notary and draw up a will or a POA and leave specific, written instructions for their loved ones. The upcoming legislation for a living will is a positive step which will allow adults to formally record their preferences regarding medical care and end-of-life treatment, in case they are unable to ex- press their wishes in the future. No one knows what the fu- ture holds nor can anyone pre- dict their fate. My Dad died at the relatively young age of 64, my mother is still with us at the age of 91. Life is a mystery, and the only thing we can con- trol is how we can best prepare our parents, and ourselves, for their twilight years. 3 maltatoday | SUNDAY • 29 MARCH 2026 OPINION Josanne Cassar She has worked in the field of communications and journalism for the last 30 years What everyone with elderly parents should know