Issue link: https://maltatoday.uberflip.com/i/1019057
BACK TO SCHOOL S4 maltatoday | SUNDAY • 26 AUGUST 2018 HEADING back to school can be a very exciting time of year for kids, because they get to hang out with friends they haven't seen for three months. But it can also produce anxiety for those kids who must once again face bullies. As well, it can be anxiety pro- ducing for parents to whom phone calls from the school principal will once again be a regular part of their day, be- cause their child is on the bully side of the equation. What can you do to help your child focus on fun and learning at school, rather than aggres- sion, worry, and fear? If your child is the target of bullying, here are a few ideas: Talk with your child Let them know that you can't help them unless you know about the situation. Listen to their stories and feelings, while being non-judgemental and calm. Remember that there are always two sides to every story. Work with your child to de- velop solutions that make them feel comfortable. Gather information and document specifics from the incidents they describe Who was present (adults and children), what exactly hap- pened, as well as when and where the incident took place. Ensure that your child knows there is a difference between tattling (telling with the intent of getting someone in trouble) and telling (telling with the intent of asking for help). Tell your child that you are proud that they feel comfortable enough to re-hash difficult and emotional situations with you. Don't tell your child to ignore the bully or to learn how to fight Encouraging your child to minimise their emotional reac- tion to the bully may reduce the frequency and severity of the incidents; however, ignoring a problem rarely ever makes it go away. And fighting fire with fire just makes a bigger fire. Don't shrug the bullying behaviour off as a normal part of childhood Abuse of any kind must never be considered normal. Involve your child's teacher and principal, but don't rely on them to be the sole source of the solution Simply telling the teacher does not necessarily mean the problem will be solved. Many teachers and school adminis- trators are at just as much of a loss as you are with respect to how to handle the growing problem of bullying. All of the parties involved in bullying – targets, bullies, parents, teach- ers, school administrators and support staff – need to come together to find a solution. Ask about the bullying policy at your child's school It should define the differ- ent types of bullying (physical, verbal, relational, sexual, and cyber-bullying), and the conse- quences for each. It should also recognise the difference be- tween inappropriate behaviour and bullying. Bullying is chron- ic, frequent behaviour that has, at its core, the intention to harm and intimidate. Inappro- priate behaviour is exhibited by all kids at one time or an- other, but it is not malicious or chronic. The policy should also recognise potential "hot spots" in the school environment, such as the playground, bath- rooms, and hallways where bullying could potentially oc- cur, and then detail preventive action plans for those areas in the school. Empower your child The younger your child, the more they will benefit from things like role playing and scripts of how to respond in certain situations. Anything from "Okay, whatever you say," and "Thanks!" to "Knock it off," or "Please stop now," are ap- propriate responses to bullies. Just ensure that your child re- sponds with as little emotion as possible, and with as much confidence as possible. It may take a fair amount of time to see results from this tactic, so allow your child to move at their own pace in this regard. If your child is the bully, there is also a lot you can do to be a part of the solution: Don't deny that there is a problem Once again, ignoring a prob- lem rarely makes it go away, and often exacerbates it. Your child may not be entirely to blame; but he or she is defi- nitely part of the equation, and problems can't be solved with- out all parts of the equation be- ing satisfied. Minimising the importance of the issue sends a message to your child that being inconsid- erate of other people's feelings is acceptable. Talk with your child Listen to their stories and feelings. Remember that there are always two sides to every story. Document specific as- pects of the behaviour so that you have the necessary infor- mation to help you and your child to work towards a solu- tion. Encourage and model empathy Bullies often lack the feeling of empathy. When discuss- ing specific incidents, ask your children to put themselves in the other children's shoes. While watching TV or a movie with your child, openly discuss what you think the characters might be feeling in certain scenes, especially ones filled with turmoil. Brainstorm reparations and focus on accountability Ask your child to help you understand what they did that caused harm to another, and why they behaved in that man- ner. Then, work with your child to develop meaningful ways to show he or she is sorry for what they did. Simply saying sorry is not enough; they must state what they are sorry for, and what they are going to do in the future to make amends. Reduce the number of aggressive examples in your child's life Violent examples in today's society can only be blamed for our children's poor behaviour if parents let those examples be their children's babysitters. Monitor the TV programs and movies your child watches, the video games they play, and the other children they social- ize with. That's not to say that violent examples must be com- pletely off limits; they are real- ity, and your child must learn to cope with them at some point. Just be sure to talk with your child about the appropri- ateness of such examples, and how you feel about them. This dialogue will give your child the basis from which to devel- op their own opinions. Find a peer mentor In addition to lacking empa- thy, bullies also often lack social skills. Track down someone who can be, in your absence, a regular source of support for your child. They can help your child figure out socially accept- able ways of behaving. Bullying has a huge detrimen- tal impact on our children's school environment. We must all do everything we can to en- sure that our children come and go from school knowing that they are in a safe, inclusive, fair environment. The absence of violence, fear and worry will put our children in the position of being able to concentrate on becoming confident and wise members of our society. Helping children overcome bullying and fear at school