Issue link: https://maltatoday.uberflip.com/i/527016
maltatoday, SUNDAY, 14 JUNE 2015 Opinion 24 D amn. Just when I thought I'd finally outgrown the old video game phase, they come up with a new title that I know I won't be able to resist. I had only just uninstalled my old copy of 'Age of Empires: The Asian Dynasties' (Note: I was terribly disappointed to discover it didn't actually feature a Japanese manga version of Blake and Krystle Carrington. I'll be writing to Ensemble Studios to complain...) and what do you know? Out pops yet another instalment to the multi-award winning RTS computer game franchise. And another smasher it promises to be, too. First there was Age of Mythology, then Age of Magic, Age of Kings, Age of Empires… and now, 'Age of Consent'. What a worthy successor to the entire 'Age of' series… must have taken them ages (ahem) to come up with yet another idea for the same old extended real-time strategy game... In any case, it's been a while since I've had the opportunity to review a new gaming release. So here goes: my own review of 'Age of Consent: the Evil Abortion Conspiracy' (Parental warning: contains hugely irrational arguments). Like virtually every other video game ever conceived, gameplay takes place at a time when the entire known universe is under threat from the forces of evil. In this case, 'evil' takes the form of a rather unremarkable proposal to lower Malta's age of consent from 18 to 16. Yes, yes, I know that it's a perfectly normal suggestion – the alternative being to jail teenagers for 'statutory rape' simply because they got laid, for crying out loud… but don't forget, folks: it's just a game. In this alternate universe, the mere act of lowering the age of consent from 18 to 16 would obviously wreak havoc with the moral compass of the entire space- time continuum… which, as we all know, hinges very delicately on the activities of horny Maltese teenagers when legally permitted to do what they were always going to do anyway. And no, it doesn't matter that the age of consent is actually lower than 16 in most European countries. It's only if little Malta permits its minuscule teenage population to have sex without facing the threat of prison, that all Hell will break loose… Like I said, you can't expect too much realism from the basic story-line of a video game. Besides: it's the gameplay that counts… and in 'Age of Consent' you get to play a suitably horrified pro-life campaigner who sees in this nefarious plot – hatched, incidentally, by the two villains of the piece: government whip (and former health minister) Godfrey Farrugia, and Labour MP Etienne Grech, who chairs parliament's standing health committee – a strategy to 'introduce abortion by stealth'. Hang on, let's make this easier and just read this part aloud from Gift of Life's Facebook page… I mean, from the instruction manual that comes with every legally-bought copy of the game: "The lowering of the age of sexual consent may solve problems when an 18 year old has sex with a 15 year old. But it will create a situation of multiple unplanned pregnancies. The next step will be the call to legalise abortion to solve this problem. We believe that this measure is very dangerous and may even be part of a strategic long- term plan to legalise abortion in Malta. Speak up, share, comment aggressively if you are pro-life…" Ah yes, this brings us to the first reason why 'Age of Consent' fits so neatly into a category of strategy games built around the concept of destroying all your enemies and ruling the world. The objective, as you can all see, is to 'comment aggressively'… in other words, you no longer gun down all opposition with a combination of close-range heavy gunpowder infantry units, long-range skirmishers, and maybe a couple of Falconets or Great Bombards at the rear. You just shout them all down instead, so that their arguments get lost in a barrage of irrationality. Same thing, really. Only you don't have to work so hard stockpiling mountains of wood, gold and food to raise and feed your armies. The only resource you need is hot air… which is both free, and particularly abundant in the studios of the Gift of Life Foundation: developers of 'Age of Consent: the Evil Abortion Conspiracy'. This also means that the only ammunition available to you as a player consists of your own arguments: and seeing as these have to be shouted aggressively rather than lucidly and rationally spelt out, we can more or less assume from beforehand that they aren't going to make very much sense. And in fact… let's take a quick look at our army's in-game arsenal, shall we? Age of Consent: The Evil Abortion Raphael Vassallo