Issue link: https://maltatoday.uberflip.com/i/655581
maltatoday, SUNDAY, 20 MARCH 2016 24 Opinion Welcome to the Super Mudbowl… I was never much into sports myself – except rugby, of course… but that doesn't count, as the word 'sport' is clearly insufficient to describe a self-contained belief system and philosophy of life. I must admit, however, that I do retain a soft spot for mud-wrestling. It reminds me of my salad years as a hustler in downtown Detroit. I made a small fortune gambling on the Saturday night mud wrestling tournament at Tony's Lounge: mainly betting on 'Dirty Bertha', (on the basis that she was known as 'Bert the Ball-Bashing Barbarian' before the operation). Ah, what memories! The fights, the drive-by shootings, the constant sound of sirens and helicopters in the background… but I digress. The point is that, as a keen observer of mud-wrestling over the past 25 years, I can confirm one peculiarity that sets this sport aside from any other. While there may be a 'winner' or a 'loser' (in the sense that an 'umpire' will eventually lift one muddied hand not the other)… the fact remains that both wrestlers will invariably get equally filthy by the end. In most cases, they can no longer even be told apart: any colour distinction their skimpy bikinis might have afforded is always caked in the same glistening mud; ditto for hair, tattoos, etc. Not, mind you, that this detracts in any way from the spectacle of a good old- fashioned catfight between two perverted contestants in a pit of filth and slime. On the contrary, it explains precisely why Malta is the only country in the world to have registered 'mud wrestling' as its national sport. And we're rather good at it, too. Even the quality of our mud is far superior to any I've ever seen in professional arenas. After 70 years of near total lack of transparency and accountability, Independent Malta has developed a thick, oily, oozy layer of luscious political manure…. and there is no branch of the state that is not somehow splattered with great glops of this noxious slime. Just look at the ongoing Super Mudbowl, which is broadcast all day, every day, on every TV and radio station in the country. Tell you what, I'll do the commentary from now on. Welcome, folks, to this year's edition of the Grand National Tag-Wrestling Super Mudbowl. The contestants are still warming up, so let's go over the rules once more: Rule number one is: 'You don't talk about the Grand National Tag-Wrestling Super Mudbowl '. You just swear about it instead. OK? Rule number two is… 'You don't talk about… the…' No, hang on, that can't be right. Oh, here it is: 'Each participant is free to throw any amount of filth and muck at a rival contestant… so long as it sticks. An audience composed of undisputed experts in matters concerning dung, manure and excrement (whom we fondly refer to as 'the electorate') will eventually decide the winner. May the best muckraker win!'. Simple as that, really. OK, onto our contestants. First into the pit are Energy Minister Konrad Mizzi and the prime minister's chief of staff Keith Schembri. It bears mentioning that Mizzi already has a couple of small muck-stains stuck to him from previous bouts… while Schembri is relatively untouched. SPLATT! Looks like I spoke too soon. Ooh, I can already sense the revolting pong from here: that's vintage Panama Poo, or my nostrils deceive me. And it seems an entire Panama Canal 's worth of it has just been dumped all over Mizzi and Schembri simultaneously… with a rather large glop hitting Prime Minister Joseph Muscat full in the face. Well, that's an exciting start to this encounter. With me in the studio to discuss tactics and strategy is our resident manure consultant, Prof. X. Kreeta. So professor…you reckon this stuff will stick? "You kidding? You couldn't get it off with power tools. Remember that muck like this tends to stick even if the allegations are never proven. In Mizzi's case, he has already admitted a connection. The only difference is that, unlike everyone else in the country, he seems unaffected by the stench. In fact, he's arguing that it actually smells of roses…" Perhaps… if the roses were marinated in mouse-droppings first, then digested by a womp rat… but of course, we'll have to wait and see what the electorate decides. Meanwhile, it's taking the government an awful lot of time to come up with a reaction. What do you think, professor? "It's certainly a sticky situation. For one thing, they're going to have to scramble to come up with something equally yucky to throw back… and quick. But more importantly, they have to decide whether to substitute these two besmirched wrestlers – thus taking the full hit, but allowing space for a comeback later – or run the risk of competing for the rest of the tournament with a serious double-liability on their Raphael Vassallo Full Colour Version C: M: Y: K: 0 0 0 100 C: M: Y: K: 0 100 100 0 C: M: Y: K: 50 100 100 20 TUNA AQUAMED MFF Ltd. - Hangar, Triq it-Trunciera, Marsaxlokk MXK1522 T: 2247 5000 E: contact@ebcon.com.mt www.mff.com.mt Farmed in Maltese offshore waters and delivered to you with special attention to freshness and to the highest standards. LOOK FOR OUR QUALITY MARK IN YOUR SUPERMARKET, FISHMONGER OR RESTAURANT FOR A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE. EAT FRESH EAT HEALTHY ENJOY OUR SEA BREAM